One of my first days spent in San Francisco was on Fisherman's Wharf. It is defiantly a cool place, but totally has that tourist vibe. Oh well, it was my first week there, I'm allowed to act like a tourist, right? defiantly
Well the following story will definitely show how much I wasn't paying attention.
Fisherman's Wharf is like Navy Pier on crack, except everyone is either trying to sell you something, or asking for change. It is important to keep your guard up, although no one really bothers you, except for the bums.
At the north part of the Wharf, right by some chocolate factory, is a beach. Even in the summer, San Francisco is pretty chilly especially in the morning. Well it just so happened to be 9am and foggy. People are still out swimming, but they wear wet suits. Except for one guy. One crazy, crazy guy.
He climbed from the water wearing nothing but shorts and sun glasses. I should have noticed right away, but my guard was so high I completely ignored the actual thing I was looking for. He stopped by one of the beach showers and someone with a camera nicer than mine was shooting photos of him. I figured it was some kind of event, something like the Polar Plunge, except in June. Well it wasn't, and this guy was crazy. He murmured something to the guy, and he left. He then saw me walking past, and asked if I wanted to shoot some photos of his freezing ass.
"Sure", I said .
After we were done, he said he would give me his info so I could send the pictures along. I just so happened to have a card with me, so I offered it to him. He mentioned that he was obviously soaking wet, and he didn't bring a towel, so to give him a minute and he would grab his clothes. He motioned to right over by a concrete wall, and we began to chat.
"Yeah, I'm an airline pilot on vacation, I'm waiting for this girl from San Diego to meet me here", he said.
I asked him why the hell he didn't bring a towel, and he said that he left everything in his car. Except that when he walked over to his "clothes", it was clear he had all his stuff with him. In a stroller. This guy not only wasn't a pilot, but he was definitely a bum. I began to see the signs. Right after he mentioned he was also a boat captain.
He made his was to his stroller, and started pulling out several shirts, and pairs of pants. One by one, he struggled to put them on. It was almost painful to watch. After he was finished, I thought he looked crazy enough. I was wrong.
I forget if even told me his name, but I was so baffled I would have forgotten it anyhow. This guy was Egyptian, and had a pretty decent beard. I'm not the type of person to judge people by their looks, but if he WAS a pilot, chances are he would get searched every time he was on a plane, if you catch my drift. Then the dumbest possible thing he could do, he did. He took a tattered shit and started wrapping it around his head, not unlike a turban. He looked like a homeless Osama Bin Laden.
"People think I have a bomb in here", he said as he shook the box.
"Oh shit, this guy totally has a bomb", I thought.
As soon as I figured out he was crazy, I tried to ditch him. I didn't have much luck, until we started to cruise the piers, and I noticed there was an arcade museum, filled with maze like rows of old arcade machines. This was my chance. He was smoking a cigarette, and couldn't go in.
"Hey, man, I'm going to check this out real quick", I said.
"Okay, let me finish this", he said.
Before he could finish his sentence, I was in the door. I looked back, and noticed he was smoking in a hurry. I had to be quick. I ducked and dodged through the aisles looking for somewhere to hide. Then I noticed my miracle. A door on the opposite side.
Knowing he would be in there, I had to carefully plan my exit. Ducking and hiding behind the cabinets like a Terminator movie, I felt a rush of adrenaline. I ducked out, and hopped on my skateboard. I pushed as hard as I could.
A few piers later, it was pretty clear he wasn't catching up. I started noticing signs for Alcatraz tours, so I slowed down. I made my way down a little bit farther when something caught my eye.
Somewhere near where they docked the boats, some seals have taken over a few of the docks. Apparently they just hang out there, and they have never left. It is a pretty big tourist attratction, but I had to check this out. I only spent a few minutes there, and started making my way down the long hallway the connects the docks to the main pier. Then I heard an echo.
"SEAAAAAANNN"
I tried to ignore it, and hopped on my board, but it wasn't coming from behind me, it was coming from in front.
"SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN"
I had no choice but to look, and sure enough, he was running TOWARDS me, with his stroller full of his "pilot tools and booze". Resistance was futile, so I figured I would have to legitimately part ways with this goofball.
As we walked more down the wharf, he started pointing out restaurants where he mentioned how "nice" the waitresses were, and how they would toss him free food from the back alley. Was this guy serious? Did he not realize how crazy he sounded? He just went from being a pilot to hanging out in back alleys waiting for people to toss him food. It didn't make any sense. I wanted to ditch him, but the Wharf is pretty much a straight shot down to The Embarcadero, so my only option was to drive deeper into the city. As San Francisco is pretty much all uphill, I decided I must do what I need to do.
After a while, I just decided to wander off, and made it uphill. He followed, but it was clear he couldn't make it up the hills with his stroller full of shit. He began to follow me down the parallel roads until we caught up again at Embarcadero.
Okay, that was it. The final straw. I had to use something I knew he didn't have. Money.
I made my way to the BART. BART stands for Bay Area Rapid Transit, which is almost like New York's subway, or my hometown Chicago's El. It's pretty shitty, but it would have to do.
The BART's esclators are almost always broken. I figured this would get him. It didn't. He pushed his cart down the stairs so gracefully it was clear he had done this before. He assumed we were going down there to get loaded. He was wrong.
The BART has gates that open and close as soon as each individual swipes their card. You can scam a ride, but you have to be quick. Really quick. Something this guy wasn't.
It was pretty clear he was going to try and follow me, so I had to time it pretty perfect. I had to stay outside long enough so that right as I passed through, the gate closed. Wait to long, and I screw myself.
I made it through almost perfectly, thinking he wouldn't even try it. Once again, I was wrong.
He was skinny, so he almost made it through, until the gate clamped down on his leg. Ouch. I almost felt sorry for him. Then I remembered all his lies and crazy shit, and I felt sorry for him no longer.
"Hey Sean", he squirmed. "Toss me your card"
"WHAT?!", I pretended not to hear him.
I could see this disappointment in his eyes. There was a train just about to leave, so I hopped on it. I didn't care where it was going. As the train left the station, I could see him standing there, looking like a confused puppy.
Still, thinking about that look makes me sad.
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